


A Day in the Life

by Shadow_crawler



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Jokes, Pranks, days in the lives on Atlantis, fake severed hand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 16:32:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17104133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_crawler/pseuds/Shadow_crawler
Summary: Multiple looks into how Todd and a few others manage to screw with the human scientists around them.





	A Day in the Life

**Author's Note:**

> It’s currently 3:45am so there may be mistakes even though I read through this again and caught some.

1:

One of the scientists looked up suddenly from his computer, a perplexed look on his face. “Can I have a North American? Or an Englishman?”

Rodney barely spared a glance from his own screen. “Here.”

“How do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard’? They’re not even close. Like. I can understand ‘Matt’ from ‘Mathew’ or ‘Drew’ from ‘Andrew’ but how do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard’?”

Rodney opened his mouth to answer but before he could, a raspy voice from the corner said, “You ask nicely.”

The room went silent and everyone slowly turned to look at the wraith, still typing away on his computer. Todd didn’t make any moves to act like he noticed, only glanced down at the keyboard as he tried to find the right button then would continue clacking away.

2:

“I don’t know how Dr. McKay does it, I only reside over three people and I’m about to pull my hair out.”

“What have they done now?”

“Oh, there’s a LAUNDRY LIST. Mostly, they don’t listen! We need to send these new recruits out more so they know WHY to listen.”

“I could teach them.”

Both scientists looked over at Todd who had turned in his swivel chair to look up at them. He was flexing his feeding hand and what he was implying suddenly clicked.

“Uh.”

“No, no, that’s alright, I’m sure we can teach them on our own.”

“Alright. I’ve always found feeding on underlings so they remember their place a useful tactic.” The wraith said and turned back to his desk.

Both scientists looked at each other and didn’t know how to respond.

3:

“Are you ok?”

Todd was frowning at a chicken finger and his eyes focused past it to the scientist slightly bent over to look at him in concern. “Yes, fine.”

“Does it taste funny?”

“No, it tastes like human.”

The scientists spluttered and Todd had to hide a smile. “I-I think it’s chicken.”

“Yes, so I was told. Doesn’t mean I believe them, it tastes just like human.”

The woman blinked once more than left him to his inspection.

4:

“Hey, whats brown, white, and red all over? John Sheppard. Get it? Brown hair, white skin, he got the shit beat out of him by Ronon?”

Todd glared at the scientists and his smile slowly dropped and he subconsciously leaned away from the predator. “S-sorry, it was a joke, I didn’t mean to offend.”

Right as Todd turned away, the scientist caught a hint of a smile.

5:

“Hey, has anyone seen my badge?” A scientist asked, shoving pads of paper, pens, pencils, and various devices across the desk.

“Cleaning crew usually puts things in drawers, you checked there?”

The scientist all but ripped open the desk drawer and recoiled, gasping and covering her mouth. It took her a moment to realize it was fake and lean forward to look closer. “Anyone missing a skeleton hand?”

“Ah, I wondered where that was.” Todd said and snagged it as he walked by.

“Why do you have a fake hand?” She asked, unable to resist.

Todd just looked at her, broke a finger off, and stuck it in his mouth. He sucked on the bone for a moment before turning away and continuing to his work area.

“W-wait. IS it fake?” The scientist squeaked.

6:

The scientist was holding various moving parts still but it seemed more kept turning on. “Hey, I need a hand!”

Something was offered and he slowly looked over at a skeleton hand, missing a finger, sitting in the palm of Todd’s hand. “I’m not sure how it will help but here.”

“I-what.”

“You said you needed a hand.”

“Is that real?”

“Does it matter?”

7:

“No, that math is wrong!”

“Your species is too young to know the minuteness needed for this equation.”

“You don’t factor in the polyhedral equatorials in this situation!”

“You do if there are anti matter principals present.”

“There aren’t! This is a fully positive matter situation!” Todd growled but Rodney went on, walking to the white board to start on an elaborate lecture. “If you were nearly as smart as me, you’d know this fraction carries over and this exponent should be five.”

The wraith stood up to his full six and half foot height and the other scientists in the room automatically recoiled. “If you weren’t nearly as arrogant, you’d know I was doing these types of equations seven thousand years ago.” His voice was dangerously growl-y. “I know how to do them like you know two plus two.”

“Let me guess, in wraith world, that’s five.”

Todd hissed and there was a loud screeching noise of metal breaking. It took a moment for everyone to realize a stool was now sticking out of the wall, all four legs having impaled the metal without shattering. Rodney looked absurdly pale and now the scientists were staying very still, to not be the angry wraith’s next target.

With obvious effort, the wraith made himself relax, uncurl his fists and lower his shoulders, and said, “I apologize. These surroundings were getting stagnate, I felt the need to redecorate.”

8:

It wasn’t uncommon for scientists to mutter to themselves as they worked, even quiet conversation as they asked the people around them. What was uncommon was sudden chirping and chittering from their resident alien then a loud, barking laughter.

Todd covered his face with one hand as he shook, curling over until his head was resting on the desk. He would have been crying if he was human when he finally calmed down enough to wave a hand at everyone staring at him and gasp out, “It’s an inside joke, you wouldn’t understand.”

9:

“Hey, maybe you should take a break?” One of the scientists said, putting a hand on the shoulder of the new kid. “You’re going on 48 hours AT LEAST and even Dr. McKay doesn’t do that unless it’s an emergency.”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m almost done.”

“The brain stops working correctly if you go too long and you’ll just have to fix your mistakes.”

“I said I’m fine!” He pulled his shoulder away from her. The scientist yeeped and jumped back when sparks raced across his skin and the kid fell sideways off the stool and didn’t move.

She looked over at where the shot came from and saw Todd pocketing his stunner. “As you said, he needed rest.”

10:

“Now, these are delicate devices. We can’t have anyone fooling around here.” Rodney said. “If these are hit and the alignment is knocked off, we may not be able to fix them.”

Just then a paper airplane sailed inches from his nose and crashed into the wall. This just sent the doctor into a tirade about how he works with children and he feels like the most mature there. None of the scientists could bring themselves to end the lecture by saying it was Todd who did it.

11:

“I got it.” Rodney said in surprise. John, who’d been leaning against the wall waiting, perked up. “Yea, I think I got it. The shield should work for multiple users now and doesn’t imprint on only one person.”

“Give it to me.” John said and put it on. The green tint wrapped around him and John tested the use of it, to Rodney’s objections, by grabbing the hot pot of coffee and pouring it on himself. All the liquid poured down the shield and onto the floor, leaving him unscathed.

“Ok, my turn.” Rodney said and fit the shield on. The green wrapped around him and Rodney looked around. After seeing no easy-to-reach liquids, he turned back to John and said, “Hit me.”

“Wait.” Todd said. Before either of them could react, the wraith chucked a heavy lead ball at Rodney’s chest. It bounced off him but the force still knocked Rodney backwards. “Hm.” Todd hummed. “It may need inertial dampeners.”

“YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME.”

“I can only hope.”

12:

The scientist glanced to the side and jumped. A white, skeletal hand missing a finger was sitting on the desk next to him. He didn’t remember it being there earlier, but he was also going on 23 hours without sleep, he may have just not noticed it. He looked back at his screen, dismissing it.

Ten minutes later, he reached for the water bottle next to him and his hand wrapped around the skeletal hand already holding his water bottle. This got him to jump to his feet, his chair rolling sideways, and he looked around. A few other scientists were working at their desks and the wraith was moving from the white board to his computer but no one was watching him for a reaction.

Later, the scientist reached for his pen to write something down and grabbed the finger of the hand instead. He jumped again and looked around, still no one was watching, he had no idea how this thing was moving. He finally grabbed it and shoved it in a drawer that was loud enough to pull him out of any zone if someone tried opening it.

When he was finally kicked out to go eat and rest, he pulled back the sheets of his bed to find the hand, giving a thumbs up, on his pillow. The scientist picked it up and chucked it across the room, a problem for a more awake him. He swore he saw a shadow-y figure with white hair bend over and pick up the hand before he finally fell asleep.

13:

“Hey, can we borrow your guys’ analyzer?” One of the botanists asked, holding a cactus-looking thing with leaves in a pot. “Our’s is on the fritz.”

“I’ll get someone to look at it.” McKay said without looking up.

“Yea, our’s is over here. What are you testing?”

“We think this may be poisonous but the toxins are peculiar. Just need a second machine’s opinion.”

Before she could set the plant down, Todd walked by, picked a leaf off the plant, and ate it. The two women looked at him in horror as he continued walking and plopped down in his chair. He grinned back at them and said, “Extremely.”

The readings matched the analyzer back in the botany lab, the plant was the most poisonous thing they’d found in the Pegasus galaxy and Milky Way yet.

14:

Zelenka dropped his head in his hands as McKay kept going. Even John, who’d just gotten there, was looking weary from Rodney’s long-winded lecture. The scientist had just launched into how he works with imbecile people who could have done any of this themselves if they had more than two brain cells when there was a loud crack from Todd’s corner.

They looked over and Todd was unwrapping his fingers from a pen, lodged an inch into a pure metal desk specifically designed to be incredibly difficult to scratch, let alone break. The wraith just hummed, “Hm,” and went back to work.

Rodney turned pale and caught the hint. He stopped talking and let everyone get back to their work.

15:

“Look at this cute little guy.”

“Is it dangerous?”

“No. Seems pretty fearless too, must be near the top of its food chain.”

“Looks like a weird mix of a rat and a bat.”

“It could be, we haven’t been able to study it much.”

“Can it fly?”

“No idea. It may only be able to glide like some squirrels.”

As Todd walked by to grab a new pad of paper, he scooped up the animal and chucked it at the ceiling. Both scientists screamed and tried grabbing his arm until they realized it had slowed its momentum and was now sticking to the ceiling like a spider, completely unscathed.

“They are considered pests among many worlds. Very hard to kill. Do not let it escape your sight.” Todd said and walked away.

16:

“No, look at all the lights on the side, it’s gotta be some kind of weapon.”

“Like a bomb?”

“There’s an energy source inside that doesn’t seem unlike a small ZPM.”

“So why don’t we just take it apart and salvage the power supply?”

“Dr. McKay said he wants to know what it does first. He suspects it’s a bomb.”

Todd reached over and flipped a switch. The machine started whirring, the lights on its side flashing and blinking. The scientists stepped back, watching it in fear, as it did nothing but blink.

“That’s it?”

“What’s it doing?”

“It flashes lights.” Todd said, writing something from the wraith tablet in his lap on a notepad. “It was used in celebration.”

“Advanced disco ball.”

“Are you fucking kidding me.”

17:

“Ooh, who’s the special someone?” A scientist cooed at one of the others who’d stopped in quickly to grab something, dressed in a full tux.

He blushed a little. “A lieutenant.”

“You got yourself a military girl, wow.”

“She’s beautiful and funny and I’m very excited.”

“Well, you look very handsome.”

“Yes, good enough to eat.”

The scientist paled a bit and looked at Todd, who had the biggest shit-eating grin. “Th-thanks?”

“Of course.”

18:

“Hey, I need you to look over this translation.”

Todd spared a glance and said, “You’re an idiot.”

Rodney spluttered. “Excuse me?! I just asked for a second opinion! I already figured it out, I didn’t even need your help, I just wanted you to feel like you were contributing. Guess I was wrong to want to help someone out so forgive me-“

“That is the direct translation.” Todd pointed to each scratchy symbol and sounded them out. “It is not a euphemism, it says exactly ‘You’re an idiot’.”

“Oh.”

19:

“Where did you learn, it was not very thorough.”

“Hey, I went to an IVY LEAGUE school! Those are the TOP institutions for learning possible! And I went to school for eight years to earn a doctorate which is also a very big deal and shows a huge level of commitment.”

“I went to no institution and yet am more adept at this than you. What does that say of your ‘schools’?

“Experience and learning are not the same thing! I am much more experienced than many of my peers.”

“Than the human race is lacking even more than I thought.”

Rodney’s voice started to rise and Todd turned to him, straightening his back to stand at his full height, towering over the other man. Whatever argument Rodney was about to start quickly died until he was a stammering mess. There was a single applause from the scientist peanut gallery until everyone was clapping for the wraith finally shutting up Rodney.

20:

“John, do you remember that planet under the satellite with the shot down hive ship? Wasn’t that where we figured out wraith can feed on each other?”

“With the unkillable wraith? Yea, how can I forget getting shot by my own weapon and almost blown up by my own jumper.”

“What did you do to that guy? Shot him, through a grenade at him, electrocuted him, stabbed him, and finally blew him up?”

“Yea, something like that.”

Todd slid into the seat next to McKay and looked at John across the table. “I believe I know who you’re speaking of.”

“You do?” John asked.

Kenny sat next to John. “Are you speaking of the legend of the unkillable one?”

“I believe these two met him.”

“Well, he’s dead now.” McKay said, stabbing some jello onto his fork.

“He once took on twenty Lantean ships, had his own blown up, and still arrived back at his own hive on a ship he gerrymandered to work.” Todd said.

Kenny nodded. “And when he took on a whole hive’s worth of enemy wraith and came out unscathed and hadn’t needed to heal?”

John’s eyebrows rose. “Damn, this guy had a reputation.”

“He had a very high standing for a male.”

“What was his name?”

“No idea, we’re just fucking with you.”

“What?”

Kenny laughed. “We have no idea who you’re talking about.”

“Are you kidding me.”

21:

“I grew up in suburbia Minnesota so we weren’t that far from the farms. Cow tipping was popular among other crowds, not mine, obviously, I’d never, but other kids would.”

“What is cow tipping?” Todd asked.

John grinned. “Oh, it’s where people sneak up on a cow and knock them over. Then you gotta run like hell before either the farmer, the cow, or one of the cow’s friends get you.”

Todd hooked a foot around John’s chair leg under the table and pushed, throwing John onto the ground. He grinned down at John and said, “You are correct, cow tipping is very pleasing.”

**Author's Note:**

> What? A rare PG fic? Shocking!


End file.
